It appears I have too much free time on my hands today. My three-blog-postings-in-one-day is misleading.

Jason: Are you poopy?

Solomon: No.

Jason: Are you lyin'?

Solomon: Roooooaaar!!

Happy Birthday Dani!!

I miss you so much & wish I could be there to spend the day with you. I hope you're having a great day, I love you!

I Like My Job -- They Pay Sucks, But It's Fun!

I should really find a job by November 1st. This makes me very sad because I DO NOT want to go back to work, repeat: DO NOT want to go back to work. Now I feel great & am enjoying my time at home with my babies (even if Solomon is currently spitting his milk out into his pasta then drinking the marinera milk -- gross!). I'd much rather spend all day every day with them. Alas, we cannot afford to do that right now :(

The Joys & Pains of Hyperlactation

Pros:

• Charlotte is definitely getting enough food.
• She eats enough in 5-10 minutes (it's recommended that an infant eats for 15 minutes on each side -- so one feeding usually lasts between 30-45 minutes. But not for us!).
• It's better than the alternative of not having enough milk.

Cons:

• She usually chokes & gags when eating, which upsets her (& me!).
• My boobs hurt sometimes & feel like solid rocks; I letdown frequently & that stings pretty badly too.
• Nursing pads can get really expensive when you go through them as fast as I do.

White Moms Can't Dance
(at least this one can't)

Solomon asked me to put Shrek on & I started singing & dancing to the opening song, Smash Mouth's "All Star." He started dancing too then stopped long enough to push me off of the dance floor. My moves must be pretty sucky.

I'm probably the most boring person I know. I used to be fun. Now? Not so much.

Had to post this..... it made me LOL:

Charlotte Elizabeth Stagno

was born 2 weeks ago today, on August 25th, at 8:41am. She weighed 7lbs, 5oz & was 19.5" long. She is beautiful.

Apocalypse

Solomon wants to watch VeggieTales. The DVD player is broken. Solomon believes this is evidence we are now facing the end times. Oh the wrath of a toddler!

I'm going to go crawl in a corner & cry now.

Poor Bedside Manners

I really like my OB/GYN but she often makes my appointments feel rushed. She's usually inching toward the door while I'm still asking questions. She also causes me a LOT of pain when she checks my cervix. I remember it hurting so bad she had to stop when I was pregnant with Solomon. When she checked me 2 weeks ago it took all I had in me to not kick her in the face. I thought that I was just super sensitive or something... until today. I saw a nurse practitioner today instead of my regular doctor & I warned her in advance that I don't handle it well when my cervix is checked.... and.... it didn't hurt. Not a bit. Now I know it's just my doctor & there's nothing wrong with me. I'm not looking forward to next Wednesday though when I'm sure it'll be my doctor checking me again.

No Break For Mommy Today

Solomon decided he wasn't going to take a nap today. I spent 2 hours going upstairs every 5 minutes to put him back in his crib. I did manage to prepare dinner & eat lunch in between trips to his room but nothing else was done. Our friend Neil & his girlfriend are coming over for dinner tonight & I'm not sure I'll have time to straighten our house before they get here. I'm exhausted.

More Random Thoughts

Today while I was eating lunch, just after Solomon went down for his nap, there was a knock on the door. It was a couple who explained they were moving into Verano this school year & wanted to see the layout, if I didn't mind. I felt a little weird letting these people in my house -- toys strewn about, litter pans exposed (Jason read that litter pans with lids actually make the odor worse & wanted to try leaving them off. Not a pretty site.). Not to mention I don't know them.

* * * * *

My brother sort of hurt my feelings the other day when I called to wish him a happy birthday. I had left a message telling him happy birthday & not to worry about calling me back if he was busy. Just wanted him to know I was thinking of him. He returned my call later that afternoon & thanked me for calling then asked about the pregnancy. When I started to answer his question someone beeped in so he cut me off & said he had to go. I have a few questions regarding his decision to abruptly end our conversation: 1) Why couldn't he either ignore it & call back when we got off the phone or maybe click over & explain to the person that he was on the other line & he'd call right back? 2) We only talk once every two or three months, would it have killed him to talk to me for a few minutes? 3) Did he even really care about how the pregnancy was going or was he just being polite? Now I'm not saying that I am the #1 person in his life, nor should I be, but as his sister I feel he could've given me a little more of his time. He doesn't even try to make time for me when I'm home visiting. We used to be very close but now I hardly know him. That makes me sad.

* * * * *

Solomon has recently decided that it's fun to crawl under the fitted sheet of his mattress. He then gets stuck & can't figure out how to get out so he screams as though he were dying. I have to dash upstairs & rescue him; my heartrate shoots through the roof & I can't breath. This newly found game annoys me.

* * * * *

Unreasonable or not (who am I kidding? Of course I'm being unreasonable), I feel that at this point in my pregnancy Jason should be doing EVERYTHING. He should cook, do the dishes, do the laundry, care for Solomon 98% of the time, etc. -- be my Cinderella -- until this baby is born. I should get to sleep all day.

* * * * *

So we've settled on a name for the new baby, for real this time. I started telling people it would be Naomi but it will actually be Charlotte. Jason feels very strongly that it should be Charlotte & I was too indecisive as I like both names equally (though leaning more toward Naomi since it's biblical). I'm happy with the decision, it's a lovely name. The middle name has yet to be determined as there are some disagreements on that, but I'll keep you posted.

Just Feel Like Complaining...

I'm just in a whiny sort of mood right now.

For starters, I'm a little annoyed with my husband as he didn't come to bed until after 5am. Two friends came down so they could role play, which I said was fine. But 5am? Seriously? Not only was it a weeknight but the game immediately followed his hour & a half long jujitsu class. Tomorrow night he's going up to his friends' house (which is nearly an hour away) to role play again. I don't particularly like it, but it's the only outlet he really has that allows him to escape work & family responsibilities/demands, so I just deal. I'm especially accepting of his gaming right now because I know that when we move he won't have anyone to play with anymore, so I feel a little bad for him.

The other thing I'm irked about at the moment is friends. This is going to sound really petty & selfish, but I feel like I'm always going to everyone else's parties & events but some of those people don't do the same for me (the whole whopping one party I planned this year -- Solomon's birthday party). Since I've been jobless for nearly 7 months, Jason & I don't really have the money to spend on going out to dinner for birthdays or buying presents for people. I hate feeling this way, but it comes with the territory of being broke. I have a bridal shower tomorrow & the wedding is next month. Proper wedding ettiquette requires that you purchase a gift for both the shower & the wedding. I'm now wondering if this is going to force me to decide between my friend's wedding gift or my phone bill next month.

This one goes out to Chad.

Owies & Boo-boos

We took Solomon to get his 2 year immunizations today. Because today was the first time he's been seen since he's been on Medi-Cal, the insurance stuff was a total nightmare! It's such a long story I don't really want to write about it, but just know that we had to drive to freaking Huntington Beach twice AFTER we had already driven to Newport Beach (which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for freeway traffic) AND I spent the entire morning on the phone with doctors' offices & the insurance company. Jason intended to only take the morning off but ended up staying home all day because of the whole mess. We were eventually able to get his check-up stuff done so I at least won't have to worry about his doctor visits until next year (unless he gets sick, God forbid).

So the first thing the nurse did was draw blood from his toe. Not so much as a flinch. Amazing. He cooperated during all of the measurements & everything! He did give the doctor a bit of squirmy trouble when she tried to check his eyes, ears, & teeth but beyond that he was perfect.

Then came the immunization. I wanted to cry.

I sat there watching my husband & the nurse pin him down on the bed as she stuck him in his outer thigh. He thrashed & screamed but I couldn't do anything about it! After it was done he reached out to Daddy for comfort, of course, then the nurse gave him a big orange balloon, causing him to forget about the whole incident. It only lasted for about 10 seconds but it was torture for me!

After that they sent us to a lab so he could have MORE blood drawn for lead testing. Ugh! If he behaved that way during a quick prick, how the heck are they going to draw blood from his arm?? I was pretty panicky when they called us back; the guy taking Solomon's blood was big & rough n' tough looking so I was worried he wouldn't be gentle. Solomon sat in Jason's lap while Jason distracted him with a Sharpie. Every time Solomon would look to see what the phlebotomist was doing Jason would grab his little face & say, "No, look over here!" Solomon didn't even notice the guy had stuck him with a needle! He sat still for the entire minute! I can barely do that myself!!

My little boy is such a trooper. I think his doctor appointments are more traumatic for me than for him.

Nest Much?

I think I officially started nesting on Friday -- I got down on my hands & knees & hand-scrubbed our kitchen floor. I've been having strong urges to do stuff around the house all weekend (though due to other interferences, wasn't able to). Last night I had an anxiety attack because my mind started reeling with all of the things that need to be done before the baby is born & I kept Jason awake for an extra half hour talking about it:

• Steam clean the carpets
• Organize all the closets
• Scrub the fridge & cabinets (which I will tackle today)
• Dry clean the futon cover
• Scrub the bathroom from ceiling to floor
• Wash the few baby outfits we already have so that I can pack our hospital bag
• Pack our hospital bag
• Pack Solomon's bag for Uncle Jon & Aunt Molly's
• Take a few family photos while I'm still pregnant (per a family member's requests)

I'm sure there are other things I could add to my list but this is all I can think of at the moment.

I'm also panicking about this upcoming weekend. We're taking Solomon to Sea World on Friday for his birthday & I'm concerned about all of the walking I'll be doing. My OB/GYN said it's OK as long as I'm comfortable with it. I don't think it'll cause me to go into early labor (how crappy would that be for her to not only come too early but be born on Solomon's birthday??) but I know that I'm going to be in a lot of pain the following days, just as I was after we went to the OC Fair. Then Sunday is Solomon's birthday party. Really it's a party for us -- there won't be any other children there & Solomon won't really care about what's going on. He's just going to want to play with the 2 dogs in the house & eat his Nemo cake.

Sigh!! So much to do, so little time.

Discipline Should Always Be This Easy

Solomon absolutely loves to jump on the couch. Though he's hurt himself plenty of times doing so, it doesn't deter him. We've tried several approaches to get him to stop but all have been less than successful: talking plainly & calmly, yelling, spanking, ignoring, timeout. Nothing works on this kid. Jason told me Solomon was jumping on the couch again last night & Jason told him to stop because it was bad. Solomon proceeded to grab his brush & smack his own bottom with it, saying, "Bad!" to himself! I hate disciplining - it makes me sad - so if Solomon will spank himself, by all means, go ahead child. Maybe he'll listen to himself better than he listens to us...

The Countdown Begins...

I'm so excited about moving away from CA that I'm already counting down! I'm not sure of the exact day we will leave, but Jason graduates in early/mid June so we will be moving within a week or two after that. We'll be gone before June ends. YAY!! Assuming June 30th as the last day, we have 334 more days to go; 47 1/2 more weeks. I know I sound a little crazy, but you have to understand: I've been homesick for FOUR FREAKING YEARS STRAIGHT ALREADY. I miss my family. I miss Maria. I miss seasons. I miss the scenery. Of course I will miss things here when I leave, but it pales in comparison to my homesickness. The only things in CA I will miss when we leave are our church (we'll never find another like it :( ) & a small number of people I can count on one hand: Jon & Molly, Trevin, & Dave (I will miss others too, but it will actually be painful to leave these folks behind).

We just had an earthquake. Literally -- like one minute ago. Solomon gasped & made an exaggerated "O" face; his reaction was cute.

This is what happens when your kid lacks playmates his age.

He won't let me take them off!

Not Just In My Head After All

I had my 34 week checkup today with my OB/GYN. I told her about the nonstop crying, overeating, feeling miserable, etc. & she immediately became very solemn & said I should be on medication. She told me that I'm at risk for postpartum depression (I'm clearly suffering from some type of pregnancy-induced depression now) & once the placenta is delivered & my hormones plummet, it will only get worse. She gave me a prescription for Zoloft in low doses & said that I should be feeling significantly better the next time she sees me in 2 weeks. As I expected would happen, upon telling Jason he was very skeptical of the diagnosis or that the medicine would help me (based on his own experiences with antidepressants). It's really frustrating because I feel like he thinks I'm exaggerating my symptoms; I feel very alone in this & that I'm not getting his support. I know that compassion & empathy are not his gifts but his attitude about it certainly isn't helping my situation. Hopefully the medicine will balance me out so that I can be a better wife & mother soon.

(And, yes, Maria, I will acknowledge that you've told me more than once to join a mom's group because that will provide a lot of support for me & fun for Solomon. I'm not going to rush to do that now but will definitely check some out after the baby is born.)

Solomon making a cake.

Just a Few Thoughts...

#1: We went to the OC fair yesterday. It was a lot of fun - especially since Solomon was big enough to ride some of the attractions! The food was amazing as well. I ate a beef brisket sandwich, a smoked turkey leg, Dippin' Dots (caramel brownie!) & funnel cake. Jason & I split most of it, of course, although I'm sure I wouldn't have had much trouble finishing it all myself :) The day we go to the fair is one of the few days of the year I'm permitted to be a glutton so I definitely take advantage!





#2: I'm tired of being pregnant now. I love being pregnant, but because of all the stress I've been under this pregnancy I haven't been able to enjoy it. Only 6 more weeks (but I think she's going to come sooner)!

#3: I'm mad at God right now. Last week we found out that my mother-in-law's cancer has apparently spread to her liver now. They decided against a biopsy as it is too risky. Jewel doesn't want to do chemo (which I don't entirely understand her reasoning) but she's going to apply at the NCI to see if she's a good candidate for any of their programs. I feel like God is snuffing out our entire family pretty rapidly. I guess we can't say for sure if Jewel's cancer is necessarily a death sentence but it's still unnerving; especially not knowing exactly what the cancer is & the best method of treatment. At this point we're just playing the waiting game.

On the Verge of a Meltdown

I have been beyond crazy this pregnancy as my mental stability has taken a serious plunge. I cry almost everyday, usually over dumb, insignificant things, I yell a lot, & I just constantly feel miserable. I don't feel miserable about the pregnancy (though at this point I am certainly ready for it to be over), but I guess my hormones are all out of whack because of it. I cried this morning because Jason said I was yelling at Solomon too much, so I felt like a bad mom. (Actually, I feel like a bad mom a lot because sometimes I don't even like being a mom. Does that make me evil??) Then he added that I've been yelling at him more too & that made me feel worse.

Later this afternoon I tried to take Solomon outside to play in his pool because he hasn't played in it in a couple of weeks. Well, he lost interest about 5 minutes in & started running away. I had a hard time catching him, but when I did I made him go back inside the house. Then I cried over that because I wanted him to have fun in his pool but I was sad because he wasn't listening to me. That episode had me crying for about an hour; heck, just typing it out is making me cry right now!

When Jason came home this evening we got into an argument & he told me it's OK that I feel the way I do but I can't act the way I've been acting -- INSANE. Yep. Cried some more.

All of this was just today!

Please pray that God intervenes because I think I'm going to go jump off a bridge now.

It's a Kid's World

Tonight Solomon & I went to a friend's birthday dinner at BJ's Brewhouse (I love their food! But it pales in comparison to Claim Jumper...). I had to use the restroom & when I walked in there were 2 little girls, sisters I think. I started walking into the first stall when the oldest stopped me & said, "Excuse me, ma'am, but that's a kid's toilet. You have to use the bigger one down there for grown-ups," & pointed to the handicap stall. "Oh!" I said as I clearly should've known that, "OK," & went to use the handicap stall to take care of my business.

Solomon & I went walking around our housing area the other day & I checked to see if people have been taking the tear-away tabs on my fliers for the cats. So far 9 tabs have been taken, however I have yet to receive a phone call from any of those people. I'm really annoyed about it.

FAIL

My friend Dave introduced me to this awesome website, failblog.org, today. There are countless pictures & videos that will entertain for hours! Here are a couple of my faves of the ones I've viewed so far:


see more pwn and owned pictures


see more pwn and owned pictures


see more pwn and owned pictures


see more pwn and owned pictures

There's also a video called "Elephant Handler Fail" but I can't figure out how to link it from failblog's site. (Danielle, please don't watch that video. You throw up too easily...)

Se Habla Español

Just something I often wonder:

Certain commercials, namely lawyers & insurance companies, are completely in English. Then at the end of the commercial they say, "Se habla español." How does the Spanish speaking person, who doesn't know English, know what the commercial is for? Do they have to call & ask for a Spanish speaking rep, who they then ask what the organization does? If so, I bet 9 times out of 10 the call turns out to be a waste of the Latino's time, since they need neither a lawyer or insurance, or a lawyer for insurance fraud.

I Guess I Can't Tease My Sister Anymore

It is well known that Danielle has the craziest dreams for which we all make fun of her. I still don't think my dream last night was as weird as her's usually are, but it was pretty strange.

It started when Jason asked me to go to his Jujitsu class with him (& no, I wasn't pregnant in the dream - though that would've made things even more interesting, I'm sure). We were at this gym-type building, out on a back patio bordering a cliff to these wild waterfalls. While we were jujitsu-ing, Pat Sajak was hosting a game of Wheel of Fortune right next to us & the wheel was made of some bouncy, rubber material & painted in primary colors. Mr. Sajak was wearing a navy blue suit but didn't have any shoes on & his feet were orangy tan with pearly pink nail polish on his toes.

Here, the details get a bit hazy, but somehow we ended up in this room on the Black Pearl with tables, chairs & a blackboard - like elementary school. Pat Sajak was teaching the class & he was being super nice (he's rumored to be somewhat of a jackass in real life, but since I've never met him I'm in no position to judge). Then Johnny Depp, in the form of Captain Jack Sparrow, barged in & disrupted the class as we were apparently under attack by another pirate ship.

Some more stuff happened after that, but I can't really remember. I would blame this on watching too much TV, but since Elmo, Nemo, & VeggieTales were absent from the dream, I'm guessing that is not the case.

Trapped

When we moved here 4 years ago we adopted 2 cats, Gabe & Lucy. It was wonderful until we had a baby 2 years later. Then suddenly the fur started bothering me, Lucy started annoying me (she's an attention whore so she doesn't leave me alone; she sleeps on my head if we let her in our room at night), & the litter pans became unbearable. Now that we are moving in less than a year & have another baby due in 8 weeks, we are desperately trying to find new homes for them. We really don't want to take them back to a shelter so I've posted ads on craigslist.org, our church's online classifieds page as well as fliers in our housing area. Gabe & Lucy are already really old for cats (14 & 13 years old) & I know most people prefer younger cats so I don't have high hopes in finding them new homes. I keep trying to come to terms with the fact that we won't have any other choice than taking them to a shelter, which makes me cry about once a week.

Then last night Jason decided that we need to keep them; we made a commitment when we adopted them & we must stick to it. The problem is, we can't keep them when we move. We will be moving in with my parents temporarily until we find a home of our own & my mom is deathly allergic to cats. Even when we do have our own house, we still can't really have cats because then my mom would never be able to come over! I like my mom slightly more than I like my cats so, as heartbreaking as it is, the decision is simple for me -- it's off to the shelter with them.

Is it wrong of me to ask God to take care of them for me? I mean, they are old & not in the best of health - Gabe's obese & Lucy vomits chronically. Natural causes would make everything so much easier...

100% Pure Boy

Yesterday Solomon sat in my lap & played Bloody Knuckles by himself. He just kept punching his fists together really hard saying rather calmly & monotone, "Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow." I'm wondering if I should at all be worried about a new baby coming home soon.....

Solomon's New Habit

I've had plenty to blog about lately, but either too busy or too tired to write stuff. What better way to break my blogging fast than to talk about poo? Solomon has recently taken to advising us he's poopy by way of sticking his fingers in his diaper & coming to show us "yuckies." It's quite gross, to say the least. I know he's so close to potty training now, but with the new baby on the way in a mere 10 weeks, I really feel we should wait until after the dust settles from her arrival as I'm afraid he'll regress.

All this talk about poo reminds me of this book we bought our friend Dave for his birthday last year. I appreciate that he keeps it on the back of his toilet. If you ever come across it, buy it. It's totally worth it. I promise.

Civil Duties & Chef Solomon

I was summoned for jury duty for which I reported to the court house today. The day consisted of sitting in the same blue chair (at least it was cushioned) & in between the same two people the entire time. Finally, at about 2:30 they called a list of people & said they had to report for trial. The rest of us were dismissed a half hour later. This was quite possibly one of the most boring, wasted days of my life, but at least it got me out of the house for the day.

When I was cooking dinner tonight, Solomon started playing with the knobs on the stove. He tries to turn them often, but hasn't been able to figure out that he has to push them in then turn them. That is, until tonight. I kept pushing his hands away & telling him "no, that's hot," but anyone who knows anything about toddlers knows they are the most determined of creatures. The mac 'n cheese turned out okay, but when I went to pull the main course out of the oven, I discovered that Solomon had cranked it all the way up to above 500, almost to broil. The sad beef patties were nice & crunchy on the bottom & had shrunk to a quarter of their normal size. At least the potatoes, carrots, & onions turned out perfect. Guess this means we have to childproof our stove now.

I Think I May Very Well Run Away From Home

Jason's tonsillectomy was this past Friday so I've been doing everything myself since then.  I normally do most household things myself anyway (since I've been jobless), but Jason is always available to entertain Solomon if I'm cooking dinner or washing dishes.  Not to mention that Jason is waaay better at entertaining Solomon than I am; our kid definitely has a strong preference for this father.  Since Jason's surgery, Solomon has been a royal pain in the rear the majority of the time.  His tantrums have increased in frequency & intensity - he knows daddy is upstairs in bed, so all he wants is to be in our bed, jumping on daddy.

This afternoon Jason asked me to take Solomon out of the house for a while as the boy wouldn't stop screaming & running crazy, so we went to the Spectrum (a nice outdoor mall).  Solomon did okay at first, until we stopped at Johnny Rocket's for dinner.  I was rearranging the seats at our table so I could put Solomon in a highchair when all of a sudden the whole stroller flipped backward!  Solomon was pushing off the table with his foot until he knocked himself over!  I was so embarrassed!!  It was a little funny though, so I couldn't help but laugh too.  Anyway, another father had to come help me because I couldn't get the damn thing back upright.  Then Solomon decided he didn't want to sit in the highchair & started flailing about when I tried to put him in it.  I then gave him a few cookies, hoping it would calm him down until we could get some fries or something, but he just threw them.  He did eat a couple, but not until he was finished practicing his curveball.  We waited for more than 10 minutes for a server & I decided I couldn't wait any longer with a wailing, thrashing toddler on my hands.  We headed back home & went through a Taco Bell drive-thru instead.

I cried most of the way home because my kid often manages to make me feel like I'm not cutout to be a mom.  Somehow, I still love him more than anything else God has ever given me.  I'm insane to want to do this a thousand times over.

What Happens in Vegas

I had an awesome week in Vegas!  Saturday we went out on my uncle's boat on the lake; the water was too cold to actually get in but we did get to see some mountain sheep come down to drink the water when we stopped for lunch on a beach.  We didn't do much for Mother's Day.  Jason took me to the restaurant at Texas Station I wanted to go to & just as we were finishing up my uncle walked in, sat at our table, & took our bill (he uses his comp points to treat everyone to meals all the time).  On Monday my cousin, Jarrod, & I went to see Stomp Out Loud (sorry, the video quality is crappy as someone obviously recorded it with a hand-held or something, which they weren't supposed to do) - definitely one of the most entertaining shows I've ever been to.  I've seen it on t.v. before, but it's a completely different experience in person.  I wish I was a badass percussionist like that.

As for the gambling, Jason, I believe, broke even (that's considered a very good thing when you leave Vegas as it is a rarity).  I was down about $60 for the week & then my dad & I played some slot machines & roulette on Thursday.  I won about $90 playing slots then lost $20 because I couldn't stop playing.  Tables intimidate me so I just watched my dad play roulette for a while before I decided to join in.  I started with $50 & by the time I walked away I had nearly tripled my money.  The two times I played my & Jason's anniversary, 25, it hit both times!  The second time it hit, I hit the actual number, that column, red, & odd all at the same time.  My dad made me buy dinner that night.

It was a good week in Vegas.

In Between

Sometimes my love for Jesus is so overwhelming it actually makes me giddy - to the point I want to shout it from the rooftops.

Give me about 3 seconds, though, & I will quickly call someone an AF on the road.

Does this ring true for anyone else, or is it just me?

I'm kinda pissed right now.  On my first paper, I got a high B (87.5, to be exact), which I was fine with.  I knew when I turned it in that it wasn't my best work & I really struggled with transition statements, thus my work didn't flow too well.  I just got my second paper back & I got a freakin' 78!  What the hell??  I worked so much harder on that paper & knew the quality was better than my first, but somehow I scored a whole letter grade lower??  What's even more aggravating is that the instructor didn't add any comments to my paper, so I got a C with no explanation.  I emailed her & asked that she resend it with comments.  It's a good thing she isn't being graded on her stupid writing skills!  You should see the syllabus - it's a grammatical & punctuational mess.

Yep.  Still not working...

(He's saying "Oh no!" in this photo.  I think that's important to note as it makes the picture cuter.)

Top 10 Reasons I Procrastinate:
#1................................
(I'm really not that witty - I got the title from an awesome shirt I saw on randomshirts.com's website.)

I'm supposed to be working on my paper for class right now & intended that it be completed today as well. As you can see, that isn't happening. Somehow, I'm managing to find any little distraction that will keep me from the task at hand. It's due Sunday by 11:59pm EST (which is funny, because Vanguard University is no more than a 15 minute drive from my house, yet their server is on the east coast. Thus, the local students lose 3 hours a day. How does that even make sense?). I turned in a paper last week less than 20 minutes before it was due. I thought that with age, my study habits would've improved. Not so much. (In my defense regarding last week, though, my in-laws were here so I didn't have much quiet time to utilize for schoolwork.)

Maybe I'll just take Relient K's advice & take calligraphy & make a fake degree.

"...and our daughters will be like pillars carved to adorn a palace."
Psalm 144:12

When thinking of my ideal family composition, I pictured, in this order, three boys & then maybe one girl. I desperately wanted this baby to be another boy in the beginning for several, seemingly logical, reasons. 1) we already have all boy stuff & our place is too little to add girl stuff; I wanted to recycle what is already available. When we move into a bigger place, adding girl stuff won't be as much of an issue. 2) I feel that it is better for brothers to be closer in age instead of a brother & sister. 3) Jason & I have a difficult time agreeing on girl names, but not so much on boy names. Either way, none of this matters now as God apparently has a different ideal for my family composition.

When we learned that our next child was a girl, I was happy, but I didn't shout, "woo-hoo!" & cry like I did when we found out Solomon was a boy. I felt a little guilty for not reveling in the thought of having a daughter. I mean, yeah, I'll get to dress her up for Easter & such, but I just can't get too excited beyond that.

Why do I feel this way?

God so graciously answered this question recently by revealing my heart to me in unmistakable ways. It turns out, I feel less adequate to mother a daughter than a son. I will be the primary example for my daughter, responsible for modeling what a godly woman should look like. I kinda suck at that. It terrifies me more than anything I've ever done before. I don't feel ready for this & I'm fairly certain I will fail. I know how awful I was to my parents growing up, so I'm already dreading the teenage years. On the other hand, maybe having a daughter will inspire me to be a stronger woman of God...

God not only exposed my feelings of inadequacy, but He sparked a deep desire within me to show her what God originally intended for us, His daughters. This world forces its definition of beauty in our faces every day & Satan uses it to whisper lies in our ears that we have to be thin, have flawless skin, big boobs, straight & blindingly white teeth, be wrinkle-free, etc. The Evil One convinces us that we are not beautiful, & in fact, are worthless if we don't meet the standard of beauty the world has set. I do not want my daughter to buy into these false notions & am determined for her to realize her significance in Christ alone. I want her to be free from the chains the world attempts to bind us with. I want her to feel delighted in & loved. She will be "like a pillar carved to adorn a palace."

In-laws are in town.  I want to shoot myself.

I just took my first quiz for my online class; I got a perfect score! :)  Maybe this class won't be so difficult after all.

Our Baby Girl

In Over My Head

I signed up for an online class at Vanguard University to complete the 12 Early Childhood Education (ECE) units required to teach preschool in CA (I only had half when we moved from MD).  It's 5 weeks & very demanding - I'm definitely in over my head.  I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety over this class because it's been years since I've had to write papers & such.  I'm dreading the next 5 weeks.

For "class discussions" we have to post responses to questions from the instructor & comment/build off of other students' postings.  Well, tonight I spent about 3 hours working on my stupid post & upon completion, I hit "preview."  The effing thing kicked me out & I hadn't saved a draft.  I have to start all over from scratch.  I'm pissed not only because my work is gone forever, but also because I spent THREE HOURS working on a simple post!  "Class discussions" should not be so demanding!  I stared crying, nay, SOBBING, & my oh-so empathetic husband says, "Amanda, calm down.  There's nothing you can do about it now.  I've told you before to do your work in Word & save often.  I've done that before & you just have to redo it."  Not exactly what I need to hear when I'm in the middle of a serious emotion/mental meltdown.

I love this piece by Dane Cook, but beware, it contains excessive amounts of colorful language...

Muzak for the Soul

(Sorry, I couldn't think of a better title...)

Lately I've been asking myself why I don't listen to secular music.  I remember why I started listening strictly to Christian music 8 years ago.  It was a pivotal moment in my life when the LORD was calling me out of all the crap I abandoned Him for (you know - sex, drugs, & rock n', er, techno, in my case) a couple years earlier.  All the secular music I was listening to at the time was a tangible reminder of what I had done to God when I turned my back on Him.  I don't think the music is inherently bad or evil, nor do I hold judgment against people who listen to secular music.  This was simply a personal choice in response to what God was doing in my life.  Eight years later though, I feel a little out of the loop in the music world.  Jason & I listen to a wide variety of music - praise/worship, rock, hardcore, indie, rap - but it all pretty much worships the LORD in one way or another.  There are a lot of awesome Christian artists out there, but generally speaking, the Christian music industry is infamous for producing the cheesiest of songs.  The pickin's are slim for real, good Christian music.  Secular music doesn't bother me, but personally, I'd rather stick with music I am certain is God-honoring.  It's what I most enjoy.

Happy Resurrection Day!

So I didn't do anything to prepare my heart for Easter this year.  I wish that I had because today just felt like any other day, only we had church outside at the amphitheater, in 90 degree weather and direct sunlight.  But today isn't just any other day.  Today we remember that Christ conquered Death.  Why doesn't that thought stir up passion deep within my soul?  I guess that Truth should stir up passion in a person no matter what day it is.  We should remember Christ's victory daily.  My life should be a continuous celebration of the LORD's sacrifice...  I think I will try to work on that.

I love this song.

Sweetly Broken
Jeremy Riddle

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

Fourteen Weeks & Nothing to Show For

Today marks the beginning of my 14th week of pregnancy & I am not showing. I thought for sure I would be by now since this is my second child. I don't even look the slightest bit pudgy in the midsection.

That disappoints me.

It's pretty sweet when a famous worship leader comes to your church to lead worship (again). Woo-hoo! Free concert!!

One Letter Too Many

Today I was browsing for an e-card for a friend's birthday. I was trying to go to Dayspring's website, a Christian company, but had typed daysprings.com by mistake...

It took me to a list of porn sites.

Solomon gettin' down to Nelly

The Business of Busyness

So I've been incredible busy lately. Between the holiday season, shopping, home life/family, Church, shopping, friends, work, shopping - it never ends! In a previous blog, not too long ago, I explained that my company laid off about 40 people. Among them is Bret, another RAM (Regional Account Manager) in my department. They gave him until the end of the year, so he's currently still sitting in the cubicle directly across from me. Monday I was advised that Bret will be transitioning his territories over to me. I am now the RAM for 17 states (MN, IA, NE, WI, IL, IN, MI, KY, TN, NC, SC, GA, FL, AL, LA, MS, AR). Yep. Seventeen.

To be honest, it sounds scarier than it actually is. They're all low maintenance, so combined I'd say it's a fair work load. Even so, the first couple of days were hectic; it really sucks not knowing anybody or what's going on where - I just have to figure it out as I go along. Bret keeps telling people, "Amanda will take care of you." To that, I turn & say to him, "Bret, don't lie to them." Man, I'm really gonna miss Bret. I don't know what Maria & I are going to do without him!! I guess we'll have to pick up the slack & be really sarcastic to each other.

The worst part about all of this though is that I inherited 2 field reps who I am not crazy about working with. I'll have to put them in their place early on. Secretly, I'm looking forward to the confrontations, hehe :) They tend to treat RAMs as their personal secretaries, & there is no way in hades that I am taking messages for either of them.

Well, maybe I would... if they each personally pay me additional dollars per hour.

Joshua Alan Martin
12.18.84-11.29.06

In the wee hours of that Wednesday morning, a year ago on November 29th, my dad & my brother Charles called me. "We just wanted to let you know that the hospital called & told us that the family should hurry & go up there," says my dad. I asked if I should get on the next plane out & he said not yet, Josh could be fine, so try to go back to sleep. He just wanted to let me know.

Of course, I couldn't sleep.

Soon, another call from my dad, "They don't think he's going to make it through the next 24 hours. You should come now."

What??

Josh was diagnosed with a rare bone cancer, Ewing Sarcoma, about a year & a half earlier. At the time, the prognosis was good & we all thought he'd get through this & move on to live a normal, healthy life. Even Josh himself was very optimistic about the future; so much so that he proposed to his girlfriend, Michelle, on the Christmas Eve after he was diagnosed. We couldn't have been more mistaken. The following spring, we learned it had spread to his lungs & his health steadily declined over the next six months. You would think that the news would somehow be less devastating since the day approaches expectantly. This, however, is not the case.

I went into a frenzy & started packing a suitcase for Solomon & me to take the next flight out of the OC. Jason tried to calm me & said, "Just calm down, we don't know that he's going to die. We should just wait & see." I was very adamant about leaving immediately though. I needed to be there with my brother & my family.

Only a matter of minutes after I finished packing, about 4:20am, I heard the phone upstairs ring. My heart sank. I knew that sound was leading me into a conversation I didn't want to have. I answered & Jeremy's sobbing voice on the other end said, "He's gone." I dropped to my knees & began crying too.

I called Maria immediately & shared the news with her first. She did live with my family for 2 1/2 years, so Josh was much like a brother to her as well. I waited until 5 or so to call my boss. I still had to leave a message, it was so early.

We finally arrived at my parents house well after 9pm that night. It was so weird to be in the basement, in Josh's room, knowing that he'll never walk down those stairs again. The only thought that kept ringing in my head was that now I have to tell people I only have two brothers. God, I have a serious problem with that. How could You do this to me?

We had two funerals for Josh, one in MD & the second in IN, where his ashes remained. So many people loved him (even though he could be the biggest brat sometimes). There were so many people at the funeral in MD that there weren't enough chairs!

We decided to stick to our original vacation plans & still went to FL for a week, as that is what Josh would've wanted. Actually, even when he was admitted into the hospital a couple of days before he died, he was determined to go to FL for our vacation. It felt so weird being on vacation without him.

It was sort of a mixed blessing for me that we lived in Cali through the whole ordeal. It displaced me from the reality of my brother's illness so I didn't have to face it day in & day out as my family did. On the other hand, I was miserable that I couldn't be there with & for Josh & my family, to share in the pain.

I have a great Hope though, & am confident that Josh has only begun to really live. I look forward to our next meeting in forever.

Frustrated with God's Timing

I learned today that my hcg is now negative - yay! No more blood drawings!! I told the girl from my doctor's office that it's been a month since I lost the baby & I haven't had a menstrual cycle yet. She said it varies from person to person (of course); some women start menstruating regularly right away while for others it can take several months. "Well," I said, "we were told that we should wait 2-3 cycles before trying again. So this might take a while, huh?" Yes, she replied, "but don't worry. It'll happen when it happens:)" (I added the smile because I am certain she was doing so on the other end of the phone. More so out of sympathy than optimism, though.) Not only am I extremely frustrated that I should be entering my second trimester at this time, but now it could quite possibly be another entire year before I get pregnant again! God, I gotta tell ya', I'm not too crazy about Your schedule.

We put up our Christmas tree & decorations today. It was in the 70's. Does anyone else see something wrong with that picture?

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Up until today, I've never been dumped by a friend. A couple of weeks ago, our communications came to an abrupt halt with no explanation. I've called numerous times during those weeks & she never called me back. Then I sent her an email last week, asking if I had done something to upset her. I went on to apologize for anything I may have done & told her that I value our friendship so if we needed to reconcile, then lets do it. Still, no reply. Finally I sent her text yesterday & that seemed to have done the trick. She replied back to my email which I got this morning. Reading it was very painful as she was such a good friend. There were a couple of statements she made that really hurt & offended me.

"As I have entered into new friendships, I have to take a look at how they are affecting my well-being."

How has our friendship been detrimental to her well-being?

"I have recently realized that I have tried to take on everyone's burdens as well as my own. I am learning that I am not able to do that anymore."

I never once forced my burdens on her. Not that we're perfect, but Jason & I are a couple of very stable people. If anything, our relationship would've required the least maintenance.

"I really need to have a group of friends that understands exactly what I'm going through and I feel like we are in different places at this time. I need space right now and it would be best for me emotionally if we didn't continue talk."

That's totally a break-up line. Based on this last comment, you would think that I was taking her to clubs & popping pills with her. Like I'm some sort of bad influence! I have many friends who are in different places in life & that does not affect my relationship with them. Why is it impossible to be there for someone who is going through a trial which you yourself have never been through? The truth is, it isn't! And again I ask, how has our friendship been detrimental to her well-being? I have been nothing but supportive & loving & I feel that it's been thrown back in my face.

I do not need this friendship, or any friendship as for that matter, to validate me. That isn't the point here, but doesn't make it less painful, that's for sure. I just feel sort of betrayed as I've poured so much into this friendship only to be rejected. (Oddly enough, that is one of the things this person struggles with - rejection. Kind of ironic that she rejected me, huh?)

Maybe I'm being completely selfish & insensitive. Maybe those are the reasons we can't be friends. Who knows? Anyway, I hope she finds whatever it is she's in such desperate need of.

Mike Huckabee should really re-think his celebrity support...

Solomon's teacher told me that he now loves Ring-Around-The-Rosie & he kept going up to other children & grabbing their hands in an effort to get them to join his dance but they all ran from him. When we got home we watched Elmo, which has become our daily ritual. As I sat there watching him dance alone, my heart broke a little, picturing him trying to play with other kids while they rejected him. I know it sounds ridiculous since they're only 1. I mean, they have no idea what rejection is yet, & I'm sure it didn't hurt Solomon's feelings. However, the thought brought to my attention the fact that I can't protect him from pain. I can't keep his feelings from being hurt or his heart from being broken. That makes me sad.

Party Affiliation?





DANCE PARTY!


Stewart/Stagno


2012

My company laid off 40 people last week. Fortunately, I wasn't one of them; unfortunately, a few of them are close co-workers of mine. I'm not that concerned about my job at the moment as the CEO stated he doesn't anticipate another staff reduction. But that's what he said last year when they laid off an even larger number of people. If they do lay off more people, I don't think it'll happen before we move, so I think I'll be okay.

This is totally me.

So I'm little P.O'd about this weekend. We paid about $30 per ticket to see mewithoutYou but we missed their set! We arrived in between their set & Thrice. I can't believe we paid $60 to go see bands we don't even really care about! I mean, Thrice & Brand New were good & all, but they just aren't mewithoutYou. Now I'm going to have to wait six months or more for another opportunity to see them. I wish I could get my money & my Sunday night back.

Surrendering

This has been a difficult couple of weeks, for sure, but I am in good spirit. Jason still feels bad physically; he said he thinks he may have relapsed with mono. I'm feeling okay, I just really want the bleeding to stop.

I am at perfect peace about the miscarriage. I still have brief moments when I feel like God kinda wrecked my plans & my desires, but hey, He's God & I'm not. Sometimes our desires for ourselves do not mesh well with God's desires for us. He knows what's best for us, so I trust Him in this. I'm definitely sad, but I know it's for God's glory.

I had a couple of realizations - actually a couple of reminders from God - while I was in the hospital on Wednesday. I was laying in the hospital bed & kept asking God to not take MY baby, over & over again. Then I remembered that nothing I have is mine, not even Solomon or this baby; it all belongs to God. I am merely a steward. In Psalm 50:12 God says to Israel, "If I were hungry I would not tell you, for the world is mine, and all that is in it." The world is mine & all that is in it... that's a pretty inclusive statement which leaves nothing out, so yeah, this baby is not my baby, it's God's. My prayer then changed to, "God, I know this is Your baby, & as much as I want to keep it, I know that whatever You choose to do is for Your glory. I want this to glorify You." That is so hard to say to the God who can simply fix it. He has the power to do so! It took everything in me to say that & to surrender my desire.

While I was laying there praying, another thought came to mind: the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. When the king threatened to throw them into the furnace, they said to him, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:16-18)

I grew up hearing this story, but have never considered the statement the 3 men made here. I don't think it's a coincidence that I heard it the Saturday prior to my bleeding on Wednesday - just a matter of days. God knew I was going to need that memory in following week. Just like the 3 men, I know & have faith that God can rescue me from my trouble, but if He chooses not to, it doesn't make Him any less God or any less powerful. The 3 men made it clear that they would not turn their backs on God. Ditto for me.

Those 2 reminders God gave me are what really pulled me through. People keep trying to comfort me, & I certainly appreciate it, but I feel completely comforted by God; I am overflowing with comfort, so I honestly don't emotionally or spiritually need the extra offers. Of course, I don't tell people that I don't need it though. I accept the offered comfort anyway.

I asked the doctor how long we should wait to try again & I was told about 3 months. I was assured that the miscarriage happened due to some genetic problem with the baby & it didn't have anything to do with me. The doctor at the ER on Saturday night said, "The plumbing obviously works - you have one kid already." I'm certain God placed him there with us on purpose to give me hope; the doctor told us that he & his wife went through the exact same scenario. Their first pregnancy went smoothly & they had a healthy baby. Then during the second pregnancy, they miscarried. They ended up with 4 children - the same number I want to have. (Well, actually I want more, but Jason said no more than 3, thus I settled for 4!)

I've never been so close to a wildfire before. It's crazy - all you can smell is smoke; like being right next to a bonfire. The smell is nauseating after a while. Last night I walked Ed & Jewel out to their car to help them carry stuff & ash kept flying into my eyes. My friend Natalie called & wanted us to evacuate since one of the fires was so close to us, but Jason decided it wasn't really something to worry about so we stayed. Jewel said you could see the fires from the freeway. I hope they will be contained soon. They've already ruined so many lives.

I've become very indifferent lately. This feeling isn't discriminatory either. I feel this way about everything except my family. I've suddenly lost interest in Church, Life Group, friendships. I don't know what's wrong with me. I simply don't care & don't want to use time or energy to make myself care.

Maybe it's because I know we're moving away soon & I don't want to invest anymore. Maybe it's a spiritual attack, since it's mostly Church related. Maybe it's solely my fault for allowing my life to become stagnant & not being responsible enough to maintain & grow in my relationship with God & my brothers & sisters in Him.

I'm just tired.

Tonight someone asked me how I met Jason.

My answer?

How I met Maria.

Well, she did play a key part in how I met Jason.

Yesterday was the best day ever!

God is frickin' awesome. I kept praying that He would return Lucy safe & sound. I literally just walked in the door from the grocery store a minute ago & Jason said, "Guess who came back." Then he told me that he had just finished his quiet time & prayed that God would bring her back & no more than 30 seconds later someone called us to let us know where she was.

Could today possibly be better??

Thank You God! You rock!!

I'm grieving something terrible right now. One of our cats, Lucy, managed to get of the house yesterday unnoticed - at least, we think that's what happened. We didn't really worry about her absence until today as she tends to hide for extended amounts of time. We made fliers & posted them in a few laundry rooms & near some mail boxes around our community. I called the local animal shelter to report her missing in case any one turned her in. I'm worried that she was either hit by a car or eaten by coyotes. What I'm most afraid of, though, is that she died while in hiding some place in the house & we won't discover her until, well, you know. I don't think I can handle finding my pet dead & decomposing. I highly doubt that's the case though; I figure that if she is dead in the house Gabe, our other cat, would hang around wherever she is. I feel so sick to my stomach right now. I feel like we're horrible pet owners for not seeing her escape. We're usually overly cautious about the sliding screen door being shut since we have a toddler & 2 cats who love to go outside. If she died in the house I'd feel like some sort of criminal. What if she dehydrated? Neither Jason or myself noticed their water bowl was dry as a bone yesterday (that's never happened in the 3 years we've had our cat). I killed my cat!! I should go to jail for negligent homicide or something. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. I keep praying that God will bring her back safely. I hope He obliges.

Today when I picked up my son from daycare, his teacher told me an interesting story. She said he gave a pink tutu to a teacher, wanting her to put it on him. Upon donning the frilly body suit he began prancing around; he jumped up & down & slapped the tutu repeatedly as it bounced with him.

Too bad I already bought his Halloween costume or he could've been a ballerina. Maybe next year. He's stuck as a voracious dragon this time.

I'm really aggravated with my child right now.

I don't understand him - he's fine 5 days a week when I drop him off at day care, but for the past 2 Sundays, he has had panic attacks when we leave him in the toddler room at church.

Last week Jason just pulled him out immediately & brought him to the over flow room where we were sitting. That is, until Solomon got restless - then Jason took him out to the foyer to run around so he missed the entire message. Today I went to church by myself since Jason's sick; I literally had just sat down in my chair the first time they paged me back. I went to the toddler room & just hung out & played for a while until he seemed to be distracted enough with the toys. I managed to sneak out without him seeing, thinking that he'd forget about me. Not so much. Again I had literally just sat down in my chair & they paged me a second time. Why can't they just let him cry it out?? Eventually he'll tire & stop. I appreciate the people who tolerated me crawling over them 3 times - such grace & patience! At that point I decided to just come home. I did take a quick walk through the over flow section, but that was packed too. Gotta love the fall when all the college students return.

I hope the unpleasant phase comes to an end soon...

I haven't felt much like blogging lately. I'm getting a little bored with it. Well, that isn't entirely true. I just don't have anything to blog about. When there's a lot of drama going on it's nice to have a place to put my fleeting thoughts. Unfortunately, there has been zero drama at this time. Really boring. Yep.