Surrendering

This has been a difficult couple of weeks, for sure, but I am in good spirit. Jason still feels bad physically; he said he thinks he may have relapsed with mono. I'm feeling okay, I just really want the bleeding to stop.

I am at perfect peace about the miscarriage. I still have brief moments when I feel like God kinda wrecked my plans & my desires, but hey, He's God & I'm not. Sometimes our desires for ourselves do not mesh well with God's desires for us. He knows what's best for us, so I trust Him in this. I'm definitely sad, but I know it's for God's glory.

I had a couple of realizations - actually a couple of reminders from God - while I was in the hospital on Wednesday. I was laying in the hospital bed & kept asking God to not take MY baby, over & over again. Then I remembered that nothing I have is mine, not even Solomon or this baby; it all belongs to God. I am merely a steward. In Psalm 50:12 God says to Israel, "If I were hungry I would not tell you, for the world is mine, and all that is in it." The world is mine & all that is in it... that's a pretty inclusive statement which leaves nothing out, so yeah, this baby is not my baby, it's God's. My prayer then changed to, "God, I know this is Your baby, & as much as I want to keep it, I know that whatever You choose to do is for Your glory. I want this to glorify You." That is so hard to say to the God who can simply fix it. He has the power to do so! It took everything in me to say that & to surrender my desire.

While I was laying there praying, another thought came to mind: the story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. When the king threatened to throw them into the furnace, they said to him, "O Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." (Daniel 3:16-18)

I grew up hearing this story, but have never considered the statement the 3 men made here. I don't think it's a coincidence that I heard it the Saturday prior to my bleeding on Wednesday - just a matter of days. God knew I was going to need that memory in following week. Just like the 3 men, I know & have faith that God can rescue me from my trouble, but if He chooses not to, it doesn't make Him any less God or any less powerful. The 3 men made it clear that they would not turn their backs on God. Ditto for me.

Those 2 reminders God gave me are what really pulled me through. People keep trying to comfort me, & I certainly appreciate it, but I feel completely comforted by God; I am overflowing with comfort, so I honestly don't emotionally or spiritually need the extra offers. Of course, I don't tell people that I don't need it though. I accept the offered comfort anyway.

I asked the doctor how long we should wait to try again & I was told about 3 months. I was assured that the miscarriage happened due to some genetic problem with the baby & it didn't have anything to do with me. The doctor at the ER on Saturday night said, "The plumbing obviously works - you have one kid already." I'm certain God placed him there with us on purpose to give me hope; the doctor told us that he & his wife went through the exact same scenario. Their first pregnancy went smoothly & they had a healthy baby. Then during the second pregnancy, they miscarried. They ended up with 4 children - the same number I want to have. (Well, actually I want more, but Jason said no more than 3, thus I settled for 4!)

I've never been so close to a wildfire before. It's crazy - all you can smell is smoke; like being right next to a bonfire. The smell is nauseating after a while. Last night I walked Ed & Jewel out to their car to help them carry stuff & ash kept flying into my eyes. My friend Natalie called & wanted us to evacuate since one of the fires was so close to us, but Jason decided it wasn't really something to worry about so we stayed. Jewel said you could see the fires from the freeway. I hope they will be contained soon. They've already ruined so many lives.

I've become very indifferent lately. This feeling isn't discriminatory either. I feel this way about everything except my family. I've suddenly lost interest in Church, Life Group, friendships. I don't know what's wrong with me. I simply don't care & don't want to use time or energy to make myself care.

Maybe it's because I know we're moving away soon & I don't want to invest anymore. Maybe it's a spiritual attack, since it's mostly Church related. Maybe it's solely my fault for allowing my life to become stagnant & not being responsible enough to maintain & grow in my relationship with God & my brothers & sisters in Him.

I'm just tired.

Tonight someone asked me how I met Jason.

My answer?

How I met Maria.

Well, she did play a key part in how I met Jason.