I'm kinda pissed right now.  On my first paper, I got a high B (87.5, to be exact), which I was fine with.  I knew when I turned it in that it wasn't my best work & I really struggled with transition statements, thus my work didn't flow too well.  I just got my second paper back & I got a freakin' 78!  What the hell??  I worked so much harder on that paper & knew the quality was better than my first, but somehow I scored a whole letter grade lower??  What's even more aggravating is that the instructor didn't add any comments to my paper, so I got a C with no explanation.  I emailed her & asked that she resend it with comments.  It's a good thing she isn't being graded on her stupid writing skills!  You should see the syllabus - it's a grammatical & punctuational mess.

Yep.  Still not working...

(He's saying "Oh no!" in this photo.  I think that's important to note as it makes the picture cuter.)

Top 10 Reasons I Procrastinate:
#1................................
(I'm really not that witty - I got the title from an awesome shirt I saw on randomshirts.com's website.)

I'm supposed to be working on my paper for class right now & intended that it be completed today as well. As you can see, that isn't happening. Somehow, I'm managing to find any little distraction that will keep me from the task at hand. It's due Sunday by 11:59pm EST (which is funny, because Vanguard University is no more than a 15 minute drive from my house, yet their server is on the east coast. Thus, the local students lose 3 hours a day. How does that even make sense?). I turned in a paper last week less than 20 minutes before it was due. I thought that with age, my study habits would've improved. Not so much. (In my defense regarding last week, though, my in-laws were here so I didn't have much quiet time to utilize for schoolwork.)

Maybe I'll just take Relient K's advice & take calligraphy & make a fake degree.

"...and our daughters will be like pillars carved to adorn a palace."
Psalm 144:12

When thinking of my ideal family composition, I pictured, in this order, three boys & then maybe one girl. I desperately wanted this baby to be another boy in the beginning for several, seemingly logical, reasons. 1) we already have all boy stuff & our place is too little to add girl stuff; I wanted to recycle what is already available. When we move into a bigger place, adding girl stuff won't be as much of an issue. 2) I feel that it is better for brothers to be closer in age instead of a brother & sister. 3) Jason & I have a difficult time agreeing on girl names, but not so much on boy names. Either way, none of this matters now as God apparently has a different ideal for my family composition.

When we learned that our next child was a girl, I was happy, but I didn't shout, "woo-hoo!" & cry like I did when we found out Solomon was a boy. I felt a little guilty for not reveling in the thought of having a daughter. I mean, yeah, I'll get to dress her up for Easter & such, but I just can't get too excited beyond that.

Why do I feel this way?

God so graciously answered this question recently by revealing my heart to me in unmistakable ways. It turns out, I feel less adequate to mother a daughter than a son. I will be the primary example for my daughter, responsible for modeling what a godly woman should look like. I kinda suck at that. It terrifies me more than anything I've ever done before. I don't feel ready for this & I'm fairly certain I will fail. I know how awful I was to my parents growing up, so I'm already dreading the teenage years. On the other hand, maybe having a daughter will inspire me to be a stronger woman of God...

God not only exposed my feelings of inadequacy, but He sparked a deep desire within me to show her what God originally intended for us, His daughters. This world forces its definition of beauty in our faces every day & Satan uses it to whisper lies in our ears that we have to be thin, have flawless skin, big boobs, straight & blindingly white teeth, be wrinkle-free, etc. The Evil One convinces us that we are not beautiful, & in fact, are worthless if we don't meet the standard of beauty the world has set. I do not want my daughter to buy into these false notions & am determined for her to realize her significance in Christ alone. I want her to be free from the chains the world attempts to bind us with. I want her to feel delighted in & loved. She will be "like a pillar carved to adorn a palace."

In-laws are in town.  I want to shoot myself.

I just took my first quiz for my online class; I got a perfect score! :)  Maybe this class won't be so difficult after all.

Our Baby Girl

In Over My Head

I signed up for an online class at Vanguard University to complete the 12 Early Childhood Education (ECE) units required to teach preschool in CA (I only had half when we moved from MD).  It's 5 weeks & very demanding - I'm definitely in over my head.  I've been experiencing a lot of anxiety over this class because it's been years since I've had to write papers & such.  I'm dreading the next 5 weeks.

For "class discussions" we have to post responses to questions from the instructor & comment/build off of other students' postings.  Well, tonight I spent about 3 hours working on my stupid post & upon completion, I hit "preview."  The effing thing kicked me out & I hadn't saved a draft.  I have to start all over from scratch.  I'm pissed not only because my work is gone forever, but also because I spent THREE HOURS working on a simple post!  "Class discussions" should not be so demanding!  I stared crying, nay, SOBBING, & my oh-so empathetic husband says, "Amanda, calm down.  There's nothing you can do about it now.  I've told you before to do your work in Word & save often.  I've done that before & you just have to redo it."  Not exactly what I need to hear when I'm in the middle of a serious emotion/mental meltdown.

I love this piece by Dane Cook, but beware, it contains excessive amounts of colorful language...

Muzak for the Soul

(Sorry, I couldn't think of a better title...)

Lately I've been asking myself why I don't listen to secular music.  I remember why I started listening strictly to Christian music 8 years ago.  It was a pivotal moment in my life when the LORD was calling me out of all the crap I abandoned Him for (you know - sex, drugs, & rock n', er, techno, in my case) a couple years earlier.  All the secular music I was listening to at the time was a tangible reminder of what I had done to God when I turned my back on Him.  I don't think the music is inherently bad or evil, nor do I hold judgment against people who listen to secular music.  This was simply a personal choice in response to what God was doing in my life.  Eight years later though, I feel a little out of the loop in the music world.  Jason & I listen to a wide variety of music - praise/worship, rock, hardcore, indie, rap - but it all pretty much worships the LORD in one way or another.  There are a lot of awesome Christian artists out there, but generally speaking, the Christian music industry is infamous for producing the cheesiest of songs.  The pickin's are slim for real, good Christian music.  Secular music doesn't bother me, but personally, I'd rather stick with music I am certain is God-honoring.  It's what I most enjoy.

Happy Resurrection Day!

So I didn't do anything to prepare my heart for Easter this year.  I wish that I had because today just felt like any other day, only we had church outside at the amphitheater, in 90 degree weather and direct sunlight.  But today isn't just any other day.  Today we remember that Christ conquered Death.  Why doesn't that thought stir up passion deep within my soul?  I guess that Truth should stir up passion in a person no matter what day it is.  We should remember Christ's victory daily.  My life should be a continuous celebration of the LORD's sacrifice...  I think I will try to work on that.

I love this song.

Sweetly Broken
Jeremy Riddle

To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

Fourteen Weeks & Nothing to Show For

Today marks the beginning of my 14th week of pregnancy & I am not showing. I thought for sure I would be by now since this is my second child. I don't even look the slightest bit pudgy in the midsection.

That disappoints me.

It's pretty sweet when a famous worship leader comes to your church to lead worship (again). Woo-hoo! Free concert!!

One Letter Too Many

Today I was browsing for an e-card for a friend's birthday. I was trying to go to Dayspring's website, a Christian company, but had typed daysprings.com by mistake...

It took me to a list of porn sites.

Solomon gettin' down to Nelly

The Business of Busyness

So I've been incredible busy lately. Between the holiday season, shopping, home life/family, Church, shopping, friends, work, shopping - it never ends! In a previous blog, not too long ago, I explained that my company laid off about 40 people. Among them is Bret, another RAM (Regional Account Manager) in my department. They gave him until the end of the year, so he's currently still sitting in the cubicle directly across from me. Monday I was advised that Bret will be transitioning his territories over to me. I am now the RAM for 17 states (MN, IA, NE, WI, IL, IN, MI, KY, TN, NC, SC, GA, FL, AL, LA, MS, AR). Yep. Seventeen.

To be honest, it sounds scarier than it actually is. They're all low maintenance, so combined I'd say it's a fair work load. Even so, the first couple of days were hectic; it really sucks not knowing anybody or what's going on where - I just have to figure it out as I go along. Bret keeps telling people, "Amanda will take care of you." To that, I turn & say to him, "Bret, don't lie to them." Man, I'm really gonna miss Bret. I don't know what Maria & I are going to do without him!! I guess we'll have to pick up the slack & be really sarcastic to each other.

The worst part about all of this though is that I inherited 2 field reps who I am not crazy about working with. I'll have to put them in their place early on. Secretly, I'm looking forward to the confrontations, hehe :) They tend to treat RAMs as their personal secretaries, & there is no way in hades that I am taking messages for either of them.

Well, maybe I would... if they each personally pay me additional dollars per hour.

Joshua Alan Martin
12.18.84-11.29.06

In the wee hours of that Wednesday morning, a year ago on November 29th, my dad & my brother Charles called me. "We just wanted to let you know that the hospital called & told us that the family should hurry & go up there," says my dad. I asked if I should get on the next plane out & he said not yet, Josh could be fine, so try to go back to sleep. He just wanted to let me know.

Of course, I couldn't sleep.

Soon, another call from my dad, "They don't think he's going to make it through the next 24 hours. You should come now."

What??

Josh was diagnosed with a rare bone cancer, Ewing Sarcoma, about a year & a half earlier. At the time, the prognosis was good & we all thought he'd get through this & move on to live a normal, healthy life. Even Josh himself was very optimistic about the future; so much so that he proposed to his girlfriend, Michelle, on the Christmas Eve after he was diagnosed. We couldn't have been more mistaken. The following spring, we learned it had spread to his lungs & his health steadily declined over the next six months. You would think that the news would somehow be less devastating since the day approaches expectantly. This, however, is not the case.

I went into a frenzy & started packing a suitcase for Solomon & me to take the next flight out of the OC. Jason tried to calm me & said, "Just calm down, we don't know that he's going to die. We should just wait & see." I was very adamant about leaving immediately though. I needed to be there with my brother & my family.

Only a matter of minutes after I finished packing, about 4:20am, I heard the phone upstairs ring. My heart sank. I knew that sound was leading me into a conversation I didn't want to have. I answered & Jeremy's sobbing voice on the other end said, "He's gone." I dropped to my knees & began crying too.

I called Maria immediately & shared the news with her first. She did live with my family for 2 1/2 years, so Josh was much like a brother to her as well. I waited until 5 or so to call my boss. I still had to leave a message, it was so early.

We finally arrived at my parents house well after 9pm that night. It was so weird to be in the basement, in Josh's room, knowing that he'll never walk down those stairs again. The only thought that kept ringing in my head was that now I have to tell people I only have two brothers. God, I have a serious problem with that. How could You do this to me?

We had two funerals for Josh, one in MD & the second in IN, where his ashes remained. So many people loved him (even though he could be the biggest brat sometimes). There were so many people at the funeral in MD that there weren't enough chairs!

We decided to stick to our original vacation plans & still went to FL for a week, as that is what Josh would've wanted. Actually, even when he was admitted into the hospital a couple of days before he died, he was determined to go to FL for our vacation. It felt so weird being on vacation without him.

It was sort of a mixed blessing for me that we lived in Cali through the whole ordeal. It displaced me from the reality of my brother's illness so I didn't have to face it day in & day out as my family did. On the other hand, I was miserable that I couldn't be there with & for Josh & my family, to share in the pain.

I have a great Hope though, & am confident that Josh has only begun to really live. I look forward to our next meeting in forever.

Frustrated with God's Timing

I learned today that my hcg is now negative - yay! No more blood drawings!! I told the girl from my doctor's office that it's been a month since I lost the baby & I haven't had a menstrual cycle yet. She said it varies from person to person (of course); some women start menstruating regularly right away while for others it can take several months. "Well," I said, "we were told that we should wait 2-3 cycles before trying again. So this might take a while, huh?" Yes, she replied, "but don't worry. It'll happen when it happens:)" (I added the smile because I am certain she was doing so on the other end of the phone. More so out of sympathy than optimism, though.) Not only am I extremely frustrated that I should be entering my second trimester at this time, but now it could quite possibly be another entire year before I get pregnant again! God, I gotta tell ya', I'm not too crazy about Your schedule.

We put up our Christmas tree & decorations today. It was in the 70's. Does anyone else see something wrong with that picture?